Over the years, I’ve had many conversations with parents about money. One theme I keep hearing is this: “we just wanted to give our kids the best start in life.”

I’ve spoken to Baby Boomers who proudly helped their children into property, paid for weddings, or covered study costs. They gave generously because they didn’t want their kids to struggle the way they once did.

But now many of those same parents are looking back with mixed feelings. Their retirement dreams - overseas travel, a beach house, or simply the comfort of financial freedom - have shrunk down to the basics. For some, there’s little left beyond NZ Super.

And here’s the kicker: the children who received all that help sometimes struggle too. Because when life has always been cushioned, it’s harder to learn resilience, independence, and the skills to manage money well.

It’s what I call the double loss: parents who compromise their retirement, and kids who miss out on the financial bootcamp that builds strength.

The “Bank of Mum and Dad” - and Its Real Costs

You probably know someone who’s helped their kids into property. In fact, a Consumer NZ study found the so-called Bank of Mum and Dad has become the fifth-largest home lender in the country - with parents contributing an average of $108,000 per family to help children buy a home.

That support comes from a good place. But here’s the worrying part: one in ten parents said their contribution put them under moderate to serious financial strain. Some even had to cut back on their own expenses or delay retirement.

Meanwhile, the demand for parental help isn’t going away. Kiwibank’s State of Home Ownership Report found that a third of current homeowners relied on whānau support to buy their first home. And 32% of non-homeowners believe they’ll never get into the market without help from parents.

With the cost of living rising and homeownership slipping further out of reach, it’s no wonder parents feel pulled to step in. But as the numbers show - that generosity can come with real consequences.

The Hidden Side of “Helping”

It’s not just about housing. Across Aotearoa, more parents are supporting adult children financially in other ways too.

According to Stats NZ, 34.5% of families now have at least one adult child living at home - a big jump over recent years. Many parents are covering food, power, transport, and even student debt.

And yet, despite all this help, young adults are still struggling. ASB research found that Kiwis aged 18–24 are 34% more likely than the national average to miss payments, and more than half have under $1,000 in savings. Many live week-to-week, without the safety nets their parents once built for themselves.

So while the extra help may solve short-term problems, it doesn’t always teach long-term habits. Instead, it can lead to dependency - or worse, an expectation that Mum and Dad will always step in.

A Wake-Up Call for Today’s Generation of Givers

If you’re in your late 30s to 50s - part of the generation juggling kids, ageing parents, and mortgage stress - you’ve probably felt that tug between wanting to help your children and protecting your own future.

You’ve seen what happened to the Boomers before you: many gave generously to help their kids into property or pay for weddings, only to find their retirement dreams shrinking later on. Now, with the cost of living soaring and homeownership feeling further out of reach, it’s easy to fall into the same trap.

But here’s the truth - the next generation needs your wisdom more than your wallet. Before transferring money or co-signing a loan, pause and ask:

Am I helping my children build financial independence - or am I unintentionally making them dependent while shrinking my own retirement security?

How to Support Without Spoiling

Helping your kids doesn’t have to mean handing over money. In fact, the most valuable help often looks like guidance, boundaries, and example. You can be generous and smart about it.

Here’s how to strike that balance:

1. Secure your own future first

Before you lend or gift anything, make sure your retirement is sorted. That’s not selfish - it’s strategic. You can’t pour from an empty cup, and your kids don’t want to see you struggling later because of something you gave up now.

If you’re unsure how far your current savings will stretch, start with a simple Financial Plan - it’s about clarity, not restriction.

2. Help with knowledge, not just cash

Money can fix short-term problems, but knowledge sets your kids up for life. Talk about how interest works, how to budget, or what investing really means. Share your wins and your mistakes.

Research from Massey University’s Fin-Ed Centre found many young adults rely on parents for money advice - so it pays to make sure you’re passing on good habits, not just good intentions.

3. Be clear about limits

If you want to help with something big - like a deposit or a temporary stay at home - decide the boundaries early. How much? For how long? Under what conditions? A short, honest conversation now avoids awkward ones later.

4. Let them face a few bumps

It’s tempting to smooth the road, but small financial struggles are where resilience grows. Let your kids budget, make choices, and even make mistakes. The earlier they learn that money has limits, the stronger they’ll be as adults.

5. Fit generosity into your bigger picture

Helping your kids should complement your retirement plan, not derail it. Review your goals every few years and adjust as life changes. If you haven’t already, check out our guide:

How Much Should You Save for Retirement? - it’s a good benchmark for planning the future you’ve worked for.

A Different Kind of Legacy

Most parents want to leave something behind - but it doesn’t have to be a house or a large inheritance.

It can be the example of independence. The quiet confidence that comes from knowing how to earn, save, and manage money wisely. The understanding that security isn’t given - it’s built.

Your kids will remember how you handled money far more than how much you gave them. They’ll remember the choices, the conversations, and the boundaries that shaped their own financial values.

So instead of simply funding their future, focus on teaching them how to create it. That’s how you build a legacy that lasts - one where your children thrive, and you still get to live the retirement you’ve dreamed of.

If you’re unsure whether your current path allows for both, that’s where clarity helps. At Helium, we work with families to find that balance - the sweet spot where you can support your kids and secure your future.

Because true generosity isn’t about giving everything away - it’s about making sure everyone, including you, has enough to live well.

Jeshal Patel

Certified Financial Planner

Disclaimer
This article is general information, does not consider your financial situation or goals, and does not constitute personalised advice. There are no warranties, expressed or implied, regarding the accuracy or completeness of any information included as part of this article.

How to Help Your Kids Without Hurting Your Retirement